a glimpse into
MY HEART
“Anyone who will not receive the Kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it…” What would it actually be like to receive from God with a child-like heart—simply having open hands, without a thought of paying back anything you’ve been given? As much as I would like to think that I trust God with that kind of dependence, honestly, most of the time I’m probably more like the rich young ruler…
Blessed are we who feel the weight of this season and wonder how we will continue to carry it. Blessed are we who don’t see an end. Blessed are we who take slow, weary steps from the door to the couch, clinging tightly to one another’s hands.
Somewhere along the lines, in my zeal to live out my calling, I started believing that if I just tried hard enough, if I just gave more of myself, I could save everyone. But if even the best superheroes can’t save everybody, why did I expect that of myself?
Maybe, for the first time in twelve years, as she came forward trembling, this unnamed woman felt seen. Seen not through the eyes of someone who would identify her by her illness, seen not as someone who was simply a burden who had to be taken care of, seen not for her potential or dis-potential, but truly…seen. Being healed of her disease was a beautiful gift, but that alone was not what freed her from being a burden, or being the one who pushes through…
Jesus didn’t have to stop on his way to see the dying twelve-year old daughter of the synagogue leader. The nameless woman with the twelve year bleeding problem had already been healed of her disease just by touching his garments. But I think Jesus knows that the healing she needs is far more than physical. She needs to know she is worth his time. She needs to know that her suffering matters to him.
Perhaps it is not that you have disappointed our hopes, but that we have been hoping in the wrong thing. We have been hoping in a specific outcome, a specific change. We have been hoping for you to do something, rather than hoping for you.
In sickness and in health, I vow to tenderly care for you and to receive your care for me without fearing that I am a burden.
Could it be that all of the things we keep telling ourselves we need to do in order for our life to not be wasted are actually keeping us from the purpose for which we were created - to love and be loved by our Savior?
When Love first scooped up dust from the earth and breathed life into it — It knew full well the limitations of dust. But still, Love created something that It saw as worthy of love.
Performancism is a prison, and perfectionism robs you of nearly everything you value. But the vulnerability of embracing our imperfections and letting others see them opens the prison door and ushers us into the journey of freedom where we can begin to reclaim all that was stolen.
a bedtime prayer for restless nights
I have covid. On the way to the emergency room, I told God that if he healed me, I would tell the world my story. So here it is.
Christians, we’ve played a significant role in this oppression of God’s dearly beloved daughters and dearly beloved people of color, and used God and the Bible to justify these individual and systemic sins. We must re-examine the foundations of how we view humanity.
Mary did you know — or even have a thought — about all that would happen to you as a result of saying “yes” to God? Was it worth the shame of others spreading rumors and lies about the core of who you are? Was your “yes” worth all of this?
People often tell me they admire how I’m unashamedly my weird self and don’t care what others think of me. But if you could see into my mind, you’d see that it’s a constant fight. My counselor calls it a people-pleasing addiction.
If you feel surrounded as if arrows are pointed at you from all sides, remember who the enemy is, and who the enemy is not. As followers of Jesus, we are targets of the enemy. But Jesus stands and takes every arrow in our place. Let him.
What if, instead of still trying to pull myself up by my own bootstraps over and over and over again in an attempt to prove who I am to everyone (including myself) — what if I just admitted to Jesus I was powerless, and asked him for help?
It’s crazy how easily I forget that Jesus is in the boat with me - even through the countless times he’s stilled storms and calmed me, I find myself asking him again..
“Today is like all those times playing baseball in the backyard with your dad. That’s where you learned to fail and know that you’re still loved. That’s where you learned you can’t disappoint him. That’s where you learned to trust him, so that later on in life you could do those same things outside of the comfort of the backyard.”
Goal setting (insert eyeroll) : it’s like opportunities become a threatening giant and I feel smaller than David with what seems like even less faith than he had. The risk seems far too high for chasing dreams to actually be worth it.
